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The logic of cuckolding
April 30th 2012
It’s hard to tell whether ‘cuckolding’ relationships have grown more popular in recent years, or whether the internet has just shone a light on a lifestyle that has always been far more common than anyone realised. But we now know it’s far from being an unusual preoccupation among men. One survey recently showed that web browsing devoted to unfaithful wives is now one of the most common categories of sex-related internet searches. Rather than seeing this as just another unusual taboo, it’s possible to see this fantasy as a logical solution to a common problem.
Human monogamy is mainly culturally imposed. Many of us, men and women, are tempted to be more promiscuous than society expects. This probably arises from the instinctive pressure on men to spread their genes as widely as possible, and on women to seek out the strongest genes for their offspring, meaning they will always be instinctively tempted to ‘improve on’ their long-term partner. But for women there is an additional logic behind the need for sexual variety: namely, the very differing levels of sexual prowess among men. This does not apply in quite the same way to women. Of course women’s enthusiasm for sex and their willingness to be adventurous varies a great deal (though to some extent this can also be down to the prowess of their partner). But women’s ability to provide sexual satisfaction is not nearly as widely divergent as men’s. Put bluntly, more or less all women are capable of providing their partner with an orgasm, or as many orgasms as he wants, assuming they are willing to do so.
This is not the case with men. Some men can reliably provide as many orgasms as their female partner desires but by no means all. For men, sexual adequacy relies on many things. Stamina is crucial, both in terms of staying power and recovery time. A man who can perform five times a night and last half an hour each time is obviously a far better lover than a once-a-night premature ejaculator. And despite men’s insistence that size is unimportant, many women disagree, and find a very large penis physically more satisfying as well as visually much more appealing. And then of course there is technique, which some men simply have and others simply don’t. Men who lack one or more of these sexual characteristics will be significantly inferior lovers to those who possess them all. And the female partners of these men will have to contend with a level of sexual frustration that the men responsible are unlikely to face themselves.
Cuckolding relationships resolve this obvious unfairness. And it is probably no coincidence that it is often sexually inadequate men who are most drawn to cuckolding fantasies. This suggests that ‘cuckolding’ is an instinctive solution to the problem of sexually inadequate men with sexually frustrated partners. And yet these men, excited though they are at the idea of their wives having other lovers, often lack the courage to seriously propose a cuckolding relationship.
Rather than ignore the message of their subconscious and leave these ideas in the realms of fantasy, men with cuckolding fantasies should listen to what their instincts are telling them and act on them. Indeed, for men who know they do not measure up sexually, cuckolding should be viewed as a responsibility rather than simply a taboo fantasy.
Men I have spoken to often seem to think their wives would be horrified if they suggested such a lifestyle. That to me suggests these men don’t know their wives as well as they think! She may act as if she finds the idea off-putting at first but in all likelihood she will quickly be intrigued at the thought of sexual freedom. Once her thought processes move past social convention and she begins to think about what such a lifestyle would really mean for her, she is more than likely to be delighted at the idea. Open communication is vital in any relationship. Men drawn to cuckolding relationships really do have a responsibility to honestly and openly admit their desire for her sexual satisfaction. I am always happy to talk to men curious about cuckolding. But my instructions in the end are always the same: talk to your wife! And men who visit me to discuss this topic should be aware that I expect that instruction to be obeyed.